Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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