Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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