I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
