when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
