My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
