Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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