this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
