im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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