Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
