so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
