i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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