i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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