mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
