I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
