saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
