Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
