I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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