you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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