i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
