you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
