Christians are straight up FREAKS
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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