I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
