Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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