I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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