Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
