So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
