I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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