my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
