Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
