So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
