The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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