Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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