How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
