I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
