Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
