this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
