I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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