She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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