Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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