also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
