haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
