Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
