Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
