i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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