Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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