there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
