I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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