i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
