Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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