you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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